The only martyrs were the people in the theater

OK, we saw probably the worst movie EVER yesterday...the Nicolas Cage-themed remake of 'The Wicker Man.'

Why did we go, knowing in advance that it would suck?

I'm a huge fan of the orginal. It was creepy, very odd, with funny flourishes that just added to the feelings of dread and awkwardness. So the new one had to be seen for comparison.

Now, I'm not a reflexive opponent of remakes. They can be fun reinventions of older movies (I have limited patience for watching black and white films on TV...they're too dim and shadowy as they were never intended to be seen on anything but a large and bright movie screen), or inventive versions of films that were a little too fixed in the era of their creation (Logan's run was a cool movie, but I'd be into seeing it without the 1970s era vision of the future).

So, with low expectations, we trod off to the theater and laughed our butts off.

Where to begin?

1. Nicolas Cage's awful hairpiece and over-done makeup. (Tammy Faye Baker looks more subtle in her foundation)
2. The obvious stunt double used in several scenes.
3. Cage's ex-fiance was played by a woman so young she would have been a 12-year old when she gave birth to the daughter who centers in the plot.
4. Cage's ex-fiance had a lip collagen injection so significant that I couldn't describe any other feature on her...it was that distracting.
5. A meandering plot with wooden acting and few real details about the culture of the islanders....which was a major piece of the original...in the first Wicker Man movie, you are steadily informed about the beliefs and practices of the inhabitants, which makes the grand finale so much more fascinating and creepy. By the end of the remake, you've got no idea beyond one key element of what they're doing. Which means the animal masks being worn by the citizens (I assume an homage by the director of the remake to the costumes of the original) are weird for weird's sake. You have no idea why they are wearing them and it quickly becomes comical.
6. And finally...a contest between two scenes for 'most ridiculous idea ever'....Take your pick. A) Nicolas Cage pointing a gun at a harmless townsperson on a bicycle and shouting "STEP AWAY FROM THE BIKE"...or...B) Nicolas Cage running through the woods in a BEAR SUIT.

People in the theater were laughing. I was laughing. My wife was laughing.

Oh well. It was better than 2 hours spent listening to Nicolas Cage faking a scottish accent.